He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
