So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Randomize
