at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
