can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
