I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
