I looked at my own cervix.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
