I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
