Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
