so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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