you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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