I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Randomize
