Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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