she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
