So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
no you cant smoke seaweed
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
