My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
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