Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
