Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
