On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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