Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
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