I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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