Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
