I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
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