I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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