Swine flu. Run for my life!
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
