I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
