someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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