Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
