just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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