get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
