guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
