Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Randomize
