i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
