So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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