At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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