I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
