OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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