You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
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