i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
