I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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