Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
