I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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