I didn't shave. On purpose
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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