What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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