I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
