Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
