So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
