Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
