The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
