you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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