remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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