My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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