sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
